30. Why quick sex tips don't work ?

30. Why sex tips don't work 


Hello, my friends, and welcome to another episode of Your Sexified Life. I'm your host, Dr. Fanny, French doctor, sassy sex coach, and recovering self hater, dedicated to help you step out of sexual numbness, life autopilot, and self hate. Using self study, sexual healing, and pleasure, it's time to feel truly alive again, with thriving sex as a bonus. Because being alive is sexy, welcome to Your Sexified Life. 


Hi, everyone and welcome to another episode. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're already part of the Sexyfied family, welcome back. And thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me, it always warms my heart. Today I wanted to talk about white sex tips almost never work. Or more precisely what may be hiding behind our sexual health challenges, whether it's sexual numbness, sexual boredom, or anything else For this episode, we'll just focus on you and what is that play behind these sexual challenges regarding you only. Because if we dive into the relationship part of it, we can talk about that for at least three other episodes. And when you start healing yourself, suddenly your relationship changes. So in my totally biased opinion, it's a good idea to focus on you first. 


What I like about this topic is how it explains why the quick fixes solutions don't work or very, very, very rarely. Let's say you're facing sexual boredom, trying to apply "do some role play", "go on vacation", "have date nights with your partner" is like putting a bandaid on your skin when the hemorrhage comes from the inside. Although we could argue this metaphor is way too dramatic, now that I think about it. Because this only addresses the surface challenge. 


Or if you want to orgasm, because it's something you haven't experienced yet, you could try to masturbate three times a week doing a circle with your thumb or inserting two fingers and pressing on your G-spot. If your own genitalia disgusts you, if you feel sex is unsafe, or the idea of masturbations makes you want to puke, good luck trying to masturbate three times a week. You'll drop it and forget all about it. And then reinforce your inner narrative of "I am never comitting to do anything, maybe I really don't want to change, maybe I'm broken, blah, blah, blah, blah" blah. So let's meet many of these sneaky people messing up with your sex life: your nervous system and the three mean brothers: self hate, self disgust and self denial. 


[: 00:03:12

You can't talk about sex without talking about your nervous system, the trauma response, and completing the stress cycles. 


You may all be familiar with the trauma response: fight, flight, freeze. And the little one called fawn: behaving, like what you think people want to get their approval and validation. Just to clarify one thing, I'm very interested in trauma learning, I will study trauma healing in the future. At the moment, I'm just a trauma informed coach with a nerdy side. So in no mean am I declaring to be an expert in trauma healing or anything... just sharing what I know. 


Trauma is a spectrum of physiological responses to a life-threatening or perceived life-threatening event that doesn't fully sequence out of your body. Trauma is in the body and not in the event itself. This spectrum can go from incomplete stress cycles in your body, with limited impacts on how to function in your daily life, to complex PTSD, when functioning in your daily life may be really challenging. Again, trauma is in the body, not in the event. 


We can say living in a patriarchal, disrespectful, denial culture can create a trauma response in our systems too. Usually what is perceived as life-threatening is what challenges our three basic pillars: safety, love, and belonging..... 


Babies literally die if they don't receive some kind of affection touch, even if their basic needs are provided. So the lack of love can literally be life-threatening. When we were in the Savannah, walking around, if you were to be excluded from your group, for whatever reason, that would mean you would have a greater risk of dying. So if you lose your sense of belonging, this can feel life threatening. The lack of safety speaks for itself. If your safety feels threatened, then your life feels threatened too. 


That's why the bullshit around us, making us feel we're not lovable unless we behave a certain way, for an example, yelling "yes yes" like in a bad porn movie is normal. Or we're not lovable unless we look a certain way, or we have to follow messed up rules to feel like we belong, it's normal for your sex life to disappear after X years of marriage, everybody has that, or a healthy sex life looks like X, Y, or Z, or whatever. And also with the bullshit that says it's expected to hate ourselves: "how dare you being satisfied with how you are, with who you are? You're so full of yourself". All of this creates a trauma response in our bodies, whether we like it or not That's why we end up in fight, in flight, -like avoiding sexual interaction-, freeze -body disconnection-, or fawn -conforming to what you think is a healthy sex life. And all of this messes up with our sex lives. 


Let's say you've been humiliated as a kid and you contracted your pelvic floor really tight during this humiliation. You already know the stressor, the external event is long gone. That dick who told you, you were ugly is not in your life anymore and you are in a healthy, consensual relationship. If the stress reaction in your body hasn't been released: if you haven't punched, kicked, run, yelled, or softened your pelvic floor on your own or with a specialist, any type of small humiliation in your daily life may result in more contractions of your pelvic floor. Or you may get a permanent contraction and feel ugly, unlovable, unworthy of existing, et cetera.... 


Side note, that's why the story itself doesn't really matter unless specific cases. Who cares if it's something that happened when you were a kid and have no memory of? The external factor, the story is long gone, but the stress remains. And when you release this stress, when you start completing the stress cycles, you allow your body to get back in it's window of tolerance. You create more safety 


When you get out of "fight or flight" states, slowly you can start focusing on "optional activities" again. If your system in trauma response still feels like you've been chased by a lion yesterday, no wonder you don't want to engage into a sexy time. And that feeling of being chased by a lion can also come from a combination of a mean boss, endless to do's, kids, and societal injunctions to be perfect. And if you can hate yourself in the process, that's even better. 


So stop feeling guilty of not wanting anything, if you feel overwhelmed by your life. There will be some things you can let go of, and some things you can't like your kids are here, they're not going anywhere. The solution there is to release the stress cycle. We all know, it feels good to sing, or yell at your mean boss in your car after a hard day at work, so let's do more of that. If you want more information about how to release this stress cycle, I'll link the episodes I did on that topic on the show note. 


It's about honoring any type of movement or sounds that wants to come out of your body. If you want to scream to kick, to cry, to shake, let all of this process through your nervous system when it comes up. It will create some space in your body too. 


And if you have complex trauma, please see a licensed trauma therapist or someone who really knows what they're doing. A therapist helps you go from " my functioning is impacted by my trauma response" to "I feel okay" and a coach helps you go from "I feel okay" too "I want to thrive". These are different things from different people. So please, take care of yourself and choose who you untrust sensitive topics wisely. 


If you're enjoying this episode, would you mind rating the podcast on your favorite podcast platform? I love the number five, just saying. It helps the platform know where you're feeling good in the sexyfied family. And that they can show it to others. And if you want to help me even more, you can leave a review or a comment. And if you've already done that you have my eternal gratitude. Thank you very much. 


[: 00:10:53

Okay. So first there may be unprocessed trauma response as a first explanation to my sexual challenges. And also... who can feel like your worst enemy when you want to surrender and enjoy your sex life? Your mind. The constant chat of our mind. And constant opinions about what you want to do, what you should do, what you just are considering doing and what others are doing. If you haven't listened to the episodes of the SM dungeon in your mind, I would invite you to do so. 


Because let's face it. Usually our inner voices are not really loving and friendly. The thing with your mind is that it can hold the three mean brothers at the same time: self hate, self denial, and self with discussed. And they all play a part in your sexual challenges. 


Let's talk about self hate and self disgust first. And again, if you're there, there's nothing wrong with you, society tells us it's the right thing to do to constantly want to change and improve ourselves, be the better version of yourself or whatever. But deep down, when you want to puke, when you see yourself in the mirror, when you think your genitals are ugly, you are disgusting, when you look at your body and the only thing you can see is how it's flawed. And how you want it to be something else than what it is. Of course, this is such a fertile soil for a happy sex life, isn't it? Of course not. And can we talk about how twisted that is? Like getting the constant injunctions of never being enough, needing to change yourselves. And at the same time, getting the injonctions of : "you should be happy and live and enjoy your sex life, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah". How can you enjoy your life and sex life if deep down you hate your own vehicle? And you hate what is helping you play. 


Self-denial is a little bit trickier. Because there are many things that play. First there is physical denial: " I'll sleep later. I didn't eat lunch today. That's okay. I don't need it. I just need to push through this. I have no time to pee or anything". When I was on duty at the ER, it was so common when your shift started at eight, you end up at 3:00 PM being like " why do I feel bad? 


Oh yeah, right, no water, no food and no bathroom time, since this morning". God, I hated the ER. And even in the ER, call center right now, when you have calls after calls, after calls and need to figure out what's urgent, who needs to go where, who needs to see a doctor today and who can just have a prescription on the phone and advice, it's very common to arrive five hours after your shift begin and being like "why am I not able to think right now. Oh, yes same, basic physical needs, denial". 


Don't get me wrong. I am definitely complaining in here. And... what is also at play is definitely my mind. I can't take a five minute break because there are people on the line and they have been waiting for 15 to 20 minutes and I'll take a break after these last three calls, and five happens at the same time, right after that. What if this person put to the GP side, that's where I am, would have required the emergency doctor on the phone. So they've been waiting for 15 minutes and it is something serious, et cetera. 


Do you see where I'm going here? My mind denies my physical needs. Of course it's a mind and has zero idea of what a need is, since as soon as I am awake it's running on its own and never stops. Just like your mind telling you to have sex, because it's been a long time, because you should, because your partner needs to, let's get this over with quickly... all of this is a way to self deny your need to sleep, to do something else or just... also a way to deny basic self consent by the way. 


The second part of the self denial after the physical needs denial, is your desire denial. How dare you wanting to have success? How dare you wanting people to listen to you? How dare you wanting to go on vacation? You have work to do. As you already know, I have an SM dungeon in my mind.. Or regarding your sex life: how dare you wanting more than what you have? Just be happy with what you have already. Settle for the norm and be grateful for what you have, how dare you want to explore open ? , how dare you want outrageous pleasure. How dare you? How dare you? So basically denying just the idea of desiring something else than what you have. And here's a very good reason to do that. Our minds aren't a designed to make us happy. They're designed to make us feel safe. And the safest thing to do, in your mind's opinion, is to stay where you are, do what you already do, even if you feel like shit. Because it feels like well-known territory. 


. There is a third self-denial your mind loves: denying the journey and the celebrations. As soon as something is finished, well.. Next. If I take the monogamous longtime partnership example, there's a good chance, at the beginning, some moments were awkward, even if you were on love drugs and sure you found your soulmate. Maybe first times you had sex were not so great. And yet, you survived all of that. You attuned to your partner. And there's a good chance your sex life improved at some point. And that's a celebration. That's a journey. You changed and transformed your reality from being Ooops to amazing. And yet your brain has the tendency to go down the road of "what is wrong with my sex ?" . Instead of "Hey, I have discovered all of that. I've learned all of that. I've understood all of that. I know how I work. I know how I feel. I know my pleasure. I do things differently." 


Our brain has a part designed to make us want more, more, more, more, more. So next, please. Instead of taking the time to celebrate how things went and how they changed. Celebrations are so important. And they're also what we tend to leave behind, forget, or put last on the to-do list. Your sex life has already changed so much, has evolved so much. And that's something to be celebrated and acknowledged. And not doing so makes us feel like there's something wrong with us. 


The only issue with the self-denial? It prevents you to start the self cherishing journey. When we are stuck in a constant mind chatter, denying our physical needs, denying our desires, denying our emotional needs, and what we have achieved... there is no solid ground to start this self love and self cherishing journey. Because your brain basically keeps saying that it doesn't exist, that the foundations are not real. So the first steps of self-awareness and self acknowledgement are un accessible. We'll talk about the overlooked steps to start this self cherishing journey in another episode, but the idea here is to acknowledge how challenging it can be to build thriving sex and fulfilling life if you're stuck in self hate or numbness, and that's where I come in as a coach, but I'm sure you knew that already. When you self deny everything, because your brain has hijacked you, of course you would feel numb, half awake, living in the gray. And if you want to change that, you can download Essence in the show notes, I have the link for you. 


When your mind plays with the three mean brothers on a regular basis, it's unbearable for your nervous system, which wants to bring you back to your window of tolerance. Self hate, self disgust, and self denial, can feel pretty threatening to your nervous system, since it's basically hurting in some way, what is maintaining you alive: your body. So kind of life-threatening. So he creates a freeze trauma response. And before you know, it, you're stuck in numbness, everything feeling gray and half alive. And you're like "I have everything. Why am I not happy?" and that sucks. And that's also where I come in as a coach. Yeah, one day I will do an episode about my work. Turns out my brain loves talking about a lot of things, except my work. 


If you're enjoying this episode, can you send it to a loved one who would benefit from hearing what is really going on behind our sexual challenges? It helps the podcast magic grow. Thank you very much. 


[: 00:21:18

We've discussed how our nervous system and trauma response can create sexual challenges, how our mind can create the three mean brothers of self hate, self disgust, and self denial, and how all of that can create sexual challenges. Last, but not least, it's time to talk about pleasure. Because pleasure plays a big role in your sex life and in your life overall. 


We are not told how pleasure works. Sex education talks more about how to avoid an unwanted pregnancy or STDs. And don't get me wrong, talking about this is vital. And yet... there's a a whole part missing in our sex education. Everything that goes around pleasure. The accelerators and the brakes, the importance of the context, the dissociation between genital response and pleasure and desire. If you want to rewrite your sexual narrative, read Come as you are, by Emily nagoski, life-changing book, offer it to every important woman in your life. The second challenge around pleasure? Its exploration isn't encouraged.. Let's acknowledge that things are changing and that it's a great thing, also acknowledge that we still have a lot to do. 


A woman enjoying her sex life might get comments, be considered as a slut, get unsolicited attention and opinions. No, enjoying my sex life and pleasure, and wanting to feel sexy and gorgeous in my clothes, doesn't mean that I want to bang everybody going around and that I am an open bar thank you. Pleasure isn't celebrated. We don't talk about how to create a happy sex life. We roughly understand how it works and then boom, sink or swim, suddenly you're supposed to have a great sex life. Even worse, we are so thirsty of pleasure that we convince ourselves there is something wrong with us if we want it. Because we're convinced it's something we should neither want nor have. And what do we do when we are not encouraged to do something and are told it's dangerous, disgusting, or selfish? Well, we behave well and don't do it. 


Simply put, how do you want to have a thriving sex life if you have zero idea of what is bringing you pleasure and what you like? Yes, you can explore that in a partnership. But that's not all there is. Isn't it. 


What comes next is also how pleasure can be sidetracked by the other emotions associated with it. Because of society, of our personal history or another reason that we don't need to understand, pleasure can be mixed with shame, with fear, with guilt, with anger. So it prevents us to experience pleasure fully. Try doing something pleasureful if pleasure is associated with fear that something bad will happen to you. Good luck. Or try doing something pleasureful if pleasure is associated with shame because good girls don't do things like that. Needless to say, if pleasure is associated with shame, for example, or fear or guilt, it will definitely have an impact on your sex life. 


And last but not least, so many of us, myself included tend to stay away from pleasure. Even if it makes us feel good and change our lives, we still resist it. Because our brain is addicted to our uncomfortable comfort zone. How I'm supposed to suffer for things to be valuable, at my work has to drain me in order for the money I get from it to be valid, that I need to almost burn myself out to feel like I'm doing a good job. Numbness and pain and pushing through are my comfort zone and patterns I see in me on a regular basis. And when you've been addicted to feeling bad for a long time, the idea of just feeling good without any mind chatter or anything, feels so threatening, like "all of this space in my mind? Available for something?" That feels so scary. . 


And when that happens, it's just that your window of tolerance for feeling good is low. Because you feel something bad will happen or that you don't deserve it, that you are not worthy of it, or any type of bullshit your brain is telling you. And if you're there, there's nothing wrong with you again, it's just that our brain has this tendency to trick us and the twisted game around us has this tendency to reinforce this trick. Feeling like shit also, isn't helping us have a joyful and thriving sex life and fulfilling life. 


When you feel good, there is this expansion feeling, this aliveness. And when your system has learned safety is a contraction and feeling half awake in 52 shades of gray, it requires commitment to reprogram it. When you've integrated in your system that the norm is feeling bad, the idea of just expanding and feeling good feels so foreign. Like your window of tolerance for that is so small. That's why just wanting it. Doesn't really work. There are tons of things to do associated with that. 


[: 00:27:30

Quick recap. There are many things that play behind or sexual challenges. Because if it was just a question of learning how to orgasm, you would learn it and "boom, orgasms, here you come". It's definitely more complex than that. Many things are at play, but overall they fall under the spectrum of three main things. 


Your unprocessed trauma response in your nervous system, which is preventing you to come back to safety by maintaining you into the fight, flight, freeze or fawn state. And to digest trauma, you can do it by completing your stress cycle and seeking help, if you have complex trauma that needs great care. Don't try to muscle yourself through this on your own, pushing through something has never worked. 


The second main thing hiding behind her sexual challenges is our chatty mind, or the SM dungeon and of our heads. Because it gives space to the mean three brothers: self hate, self disgust, and self-denial. Self-denial is way more complex than we think. Because it can look like physical needs denial, desire denial and journey and celebrations denial. Basically keeping you from accessing the first steps towards self cherishing: self-awareness and self acknowledgement. And last but not least. Under our challenges usually hides a challenging relationship to pleasure. Whether it's a lack of pleasure education, a lack of pleasure practice, how it can be associated with mixed feelings, like shame or fear, or if secretly, you might be addicted to feeling like shit. Overall trying to reclaim our pleasure and simplify our relationship to it would help us resolve a lot of our sexual challenges. 


And there you have it, my friends, this sneaky reasons hiding behind her sexual challenges. If you found this episode interesting and want to go deeper and start your journey, you can download my free ebook, it's called Essence Awaken your senses to reclaim the pleasure to feel alive. You can find the link in the show notes or at www.fannyleboulanger.com/ essence. It comes with my regular letters, which I hope you'll love. Thank you again for sharing your valuable time with me. I always appreciate and I'll see you next time.