28. The Architects of the SM Dungeon of your mind

Hi everyone. And welcome to another episode. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're already part of the sexified family, happy to see you again. And thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me. I always appreciate. 


Today, I wanted to talk about a few things. We've already discussed the mean voices inside of our heads. Sometimes creating a literal an unhealthy S M dungeon in our minds. But because we're smart beings and don't do anything stupid, let's explore why we're doing that. Let's see the origin story. Bam, bam. It's time to go find out the twisted architects who designed the unhealthy S M Dungeons of our heads. Because sometimes they're yours, sometimes they're not. From old stories to strong protectors, to ego lovers, many things come and play in this dynamic. And it's time to call them out. 


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The easiest root to notice is when the voices you hear are not yours. Maybe you hear your parents saying something mean, your sister having an opinion, your brother making a comment on your body or what you are wearing. And sometimes, you really heard that. And that keeps playing on record in your head over and over and over again. Or maybe it's something that actually happened, like an ex laughing out loud when you were in a vulnerable space, if someone cheated on you, or any life event that sucked. And that gets to play on repeat. Over and over and over again. All of these old stories, and outdated thoughts are taking so much space in your mind, that it's hard to even hear your own thoughts. And let's be honest. That sucks. 


And that's not all. You can hear that from real people. But you can also hear those things from society around you. When you are constantly told, either explicitly or implicitly, that you will never be enough. Who will win the battle between your tiny thoughts? And what you hear in your ears from outside all the time? 


Just like when we talk to our bodies, we can get an answer because our brain listens to what comes from outside, that's the same for the bullshit around us, regarding our values how we are supposed to behave, what we are supposed to do, what we are supposed to think, what's normal, what's not... our brain can't ignore that, if we don't train it to not care. 


So who will win the battle between the yelling opinions in your ears coming from outside, and the tiny kind thoughts in your head. At least for me, if I don't pay attention, the outside yelling wins. And, you know what sucks even more? When people actually say nice things to you, so hearing nice things from outside... well, they're not yelling them so you can't hear them. Boom. That sucks. 


There's something even worse. Sometimes. Our S M dungeon tricks us and borrows our loved one's voices to make us feel bad. For example I used to hear my parents' voices saying things like "you'll never get through this. You should just quit. You're so useless. How dare you wanting attention?" Only problem? My parents would never say that. Never ever, because they don't think that. Period. So my own brain is tricking me, because it's well aware that if I heard this from anyone else I wouldn't care. Like "say what you want, peace out. I don't know what you're trying to do, but I'm out". Whereas if it borrows my parents' voices. Well, a part of me still wants their approval, even if I wish I didn't. So if my brain uses their voices, then it will keep me quiet. It will keep me safe. It will keep me small and in a box. Even if they would never say that, 


So my advice first is to do some inquiry around those thoughts and beliefs. Are they actually things that has been said to you? Like for real. Yes or no? Then if it's a no, maybe your brain is just using voices from your loved ones to trick you. And if that's a yes. Are those voices saying something true? Like so true, so unchangeable, true forever, that you would bet a million dollars on it. 


For example, if a mean voice in your head says "you're so ugly". Is it true? Would you be willing to bet there is no single instant in your whole life where you were beautiful? I'm almost sure there's a moment in your life where you felt good, where you felt pretty, where you felt joyful, where you felt powerful, where you felt sexy. Bring that to your memory. You are not ugly, a hundred percent of the time. There are definitely times where we are prettier than others, but you're not ugly, that's simply not true. And just in case you would be willing to bet that million dollar, please don't do that, keep that money for yourself. I have counterexamples. 


When you were a baby, there's a good chance people around you found you cute and beautiful. And when you connect to your inner power and achieve something, you are beautiful because you radiate that confidence and that power. When you feel sexy, you are a beautiful, because you radiate that sexiness. So no, you're not always and all the time ugly. Don't you dare bet a million dollars on it. Well, do it if you want, but you've been warned you're gonna lose them. And there's more. 


I'll borrow here an amazing concept from Emily Nagoski and her amazing book Come As You Are. If you haven't checked that book, do it, it will blow your mind. The little monitor. The little monitor is a part of our brain that has only three things in her mind: your goal. The effort you're making towards that goal, and the progress you're making. And this monitor has strong opinions about how this goal requires X amount of effort and from X amount of effort, I should see Y progress. Period. 


So this monitor is constantly evaluating your effort/ progress ratio and your goal. 


The thing with the effort progress ratio? The smaller it can get, the happier because we want to minimize the effort. Or because if we make a lot of effort, we'd better get tons and tons of progress, And if that's not the case, our little monitor is really happy to make mean comments about how we don't make enough efforts, how lazy we are or how stupid we are if the efforts we're doing don't show enough results. 


This little monitor, and its opinions and comments, takes a huge part of mean self-talk. Also, let's not forget it's constant opinion and comments about the goal itself. Because this little monitor feels like she knows what's valuable and worthy of attention. And what's not. Let's acknowledge that she receives great help from society to do that job, and that sucks. How dare you wanting outrageous pleasure? Who do you think you are? You little slut. If you truly want to make great things in this world, do them for free. You shouldn't take advantageof people's money, blah, blah, blah, blah. Constant opinions and thoughts about the goal, the effort you're making and the progress you're doing. 


So that's a lot of people having opinions there. Either from what you experienced, whether it's a situation or what people told you, or the world we're living in. Or from our own little monitors, having strong opinion about what we're doing and how fast we're getting results. One answer here is to ask yourself if these thoughts are true. Like so true, a hundred percent, you would be willing to bet a million dollars on it. Usually they're not. Now let's talk about how this self-talk comes from a fierce need of protection. 


If you enjoyed this episode so far or learned something useful, can you help spread the sexified magic to a loved one and send them this episode, please? Thank you so much. 


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Even if it sounds counter-intuitive because it makes us feel like shit, this self-talk is protecting us. You're a smart being, you don't do anything stupid. So, however uncomfortable, everything you do has a purpose. Sometimes this purpose needs adjustments. And most of the time it's protection. 


Because let's be honest, when you are busy listening and acting on the mess that goes into your head all the time, you're not present in the moment. So, for example, you're not building connections with other people. Because let's face it, when you keep telling yourself you are worthless, useless, ugly, and uninteresting, it's very hard to start engaging the conversation and wanting to make new friends. And no judgment, we've all been there, and are still there way more often than ready to admit. 


So in a sense, it's great because if you don't build connections you won't get hurt, would you? Nope. I'm sure you guessed it. If you build connections, there is a chance you might get hurt. And if you don't, and stay lonely forever in the darkness, you'll get hurt too, just saying. Even if you are a lone Wolf, I'm sure you enjoy spending time with people here and there, don't you? 


So if there is a risk to get hurt either way, at least take the risk from a place of building connections and meeting people. I mean, in my opinion, it's way more efficient. So this self-talk comes from a place of trying to protect you from getting hurt. Even if it's destined to fail because you'll always get hurt. Just like you've been heard in you've survived all of that, several time. You're still here as a beautiful grown-up. So it's trying to protect you and it cannot fulfill its job. No wonder it's talking so loud in our head. 


Your mean self-talk might also be protecting you from... drum roll... yourself. Yeah, I have a feeling you knew that was coming. I never said I would reinvent the wheel all the time. Or to be more accurate, there are protecting all the parts of you you've silenced for X, Y, or Z reasons. Or all the emotions that may feel overwhelming, because you've been consciously ignoring them for a very long time. Don't worry, we all do that. Personally, I've silenced my anger for a long time because I was so sure I could destroy my world if I let it out. Well, good thing. The world is still here, so I didn't destroy it. 


. I'll randomly try something, keep it or leave it. But maybe telling yourself you are wrong to have this opinion, that you should be more like this person, more generous, kinder, calmer, more loving. Maybe it hides the anger inside because this world is freaking unfair and twisted and the amount of things we need to do to change feels exhausting. 


Or maybe telling you all the time that you should achieve more, that this should have been done yesterday, that you're such a lost cause because you can't do anything great in your life. Maybe it hides the sadness of the lost opportunities, the pain of all the energy spent in good girls syndrome that you would have used somewhere else to do something that you truly loved. Or maybe the sadness of feeling disappointed and letting down everyone around you. 


Or maybe constantly telling yourself you should be more like this or like that, or self yelling " you suck in, you should have figured it all out already" is hiding the fear of having no idea of who you truly are, go back to episode 14 I think, the one with the map of who you are. Or maybe it's the shame of quote on quote "having it all" and yet being unhappy. Or the pain of feeling flawed and broken, because nothing seems to fulfill you whatever you do. 


Or maybe you're constantly second guessing your sex life, not knowing what to do, how to feel, looking for a solution and not using it... Is hiding the fear of being rejected and unloved. Or worse, feeling that you are not lovable. And if you do things like what you are supposed to do, Well you'll be lovable. And so you'll be safe. We're all social animals and being rejected and ostracized meant literal death when we were in the Savannah. Brain hasn't caught up we're not in the Savannah anymore and still behaves like this. 


Again, just randomly trying in here you may resonate or not, all of our mean voices are really trying to protect us from feeling the depth of what we've been avoiding feeling. It's an expected mechanism to make us feel safe. Just like when we were kids putting our fingers in our ears and being like "lalalala, I can't hear you." When you pretend what you don't want to hear doesn't exist you're pretending all of these emotions are not here. 


And here's the catch your brain doesn't understand the "don't feel that." Just like if I ask you to not visualize a black cloud with the yellow dots, it's forbidden to think about a black cloud with yellow dots. Let me guess your thoughts, the black cloud with yellow dots. Same goes for the emotions: "I'm not angry. I'm not angry. I'm not angry. lalalala" The anger goes bigger and bigger and bigger. Because we all know consciously ignoring something is the best way to make it disappear, of course. 


And there's another catch. The more we avoid feeling something, the more space it takes. If you're scared of your own anger, the more you ignore it, the more it will scare you, as this big monster that keeps making more and more noise every time you ignore it. Just like, we could be very afraid of a wasp sting as adult. And when we finally get one, we're like "ouch. That hurts. But like, it's not the worst that happened to me". Of course that doesn't apply if you're allergic, but your mind can do some reality check. 


When we know what emotions truly are: body sensations being given meaning by our brain. The sensations have a limit they can reach at some point. Even if they don't feel like it, they cannot overflow your body. They can feel like they will. But they can't. You will not disintegrate out of muscle contraction. You will not die from a fast-paced heart race, with the notable exception of cardiac diseases, but that's not what we're talking about here. You will not die from sweating because you're angry. You will not die from your throat feeling closed and constricted by all of what you haven't been able to say. Be aware of heart attack symptoms, though, if you feel a contraction in your arm and throat out of the blue, and if you have a cardiovascular history that's different, but not my point.. 


Your sensations need your body to be felt. So they cannot overthrow you. They are limited. You will not disintegrate from your sensation. You cannot die from feeling your body sensations. And even more beautiful, these sensations want to be released. And that's called completing the stress cycle. We have an episode around that, I'll link it in the shown notes. 


So overall our mean self-talk is also a fierce protector. Helping us, with untangible and variable success, avoiding getting hurt by others or by the emotions we're not willing to feel. And that's okay. It's a very human thing to do. There's nothing wrong with you if you catch yourself doing that. 


If you're enjoying this episode, would you do me a favor and subscribe to the podcast on your favorite platforms so that it recommends it to other amazing beings? And if you've done that already, thank you very much. 





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So after discussing who's talking with these voices and their protective role, it's some to talk about one last thing. The fear of the void. 


I'll ask a question right away: who are you, if you let this mean self-talk, consistently having opinions and things to say in the back of your head, finally go? If you had a button to magically turn that off, how would you feel? I'd love to know. 


Personally, not saying that this has to be you, first I would feel a big relief, like a "I can finally hear myself think, I have brilliant ideas and I'm able to act on them, that's amazing." And yet. I also knew that would last only a few minutes, maybe hours, if I'm lucky, not even a day. Because behind that, I would be terrified. 


Imagine all of this space filled with... nothing? Me, always jumping from one task to the next, from one idea to the next, from one project to the next, having suddenly so much space in my brain. It feels paralyzing somehow. Like, wow, I have so much space to start something. I actually have zero ideas of where I want to go. That's so scary. Like a blank canvas can feel amazing, because it's room for opportunities and sometimes you get the writer's block or painters block or whatever, both, I don't know. You see what I mean? 


Because if I can do anything, that means I can mess up. And if I mess up, people will judge. Hint, they will judge anyway, whether you will unquote "mess up" or not. And they might say mean things about me. Or I will disappoint the people I love. Or I'll have to stand against my parent's /society's/ boss's approval and I'm not feeling strong enough to do that. Or maybe I'll repeat the mistakes I already did, et cetera, et cetera. 


Do you see yourself in that? I hope I'm not the only one, but... as soon as I have space available, I start filling it with shit. Because space is terrifying me. So part of me is kind of addicted to feeling bad from my mean self-talk. It helps me fill the void. Just like some people choose to stay in an unhappy marriage because they are scared to be alone. And there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're conscious of it and are truly okay with it. Or like when we end up doing the same dinner way more often than we want, because holding the "I have no idea what I'm going to make for dinner" isn't really an option when everybody around you is starving and constantly asking "what's for dinner tonight. What's for dinner tonight". So holding the space, the void, is so scary. 


Many spiritual beliefs talk about the ego, the mind, the Vrittis your thoughts.. And how these parts of us quote unquote "think" they are us. Whereas with practices, we can learn to study them, to study our reactions, to modify our behavior, change how we think. So we're more than our thoughts, ego, et cetera. 


I'd like to tell you the short version of a story here. During a retreat in Costa Rica two years ago, ouch already, I had this experience during a breathwork practice. I had to adapt to conscious breath, because of epilepsy, but... I remember having my body doing its thing, like releasing, completing the stress cycle, shaking. And feeling not that great. And at the same time, having a conversation with one of the facilitator, because this experience was intense. . And we were very safe and supported in this process. And I remember telling her "you know what? I'm so happy to have this conversation with you right now. Otherwise my mind would feels so useless". 


And when I said that, this huge laugh came from within, like a soul laugh I had never experienced before. And I was like "Is that... It? Like this is the cosmic joke. About how my mind is so afraid I'm going to get rid of it. So it sticks in grasps all the time, and makes all this mess just to be sure I don't put it into the trash. Because my own mind is so afraid of me rejecting it". And being in the void equals being dead for my scared mind, imagine "if I stop running, she'd get rid of me. like heeelp meee Let's keep making as much noise as possible so that she doesn't know I'm scared and doesn't send me away." 


Knowing that, this void felt a little less scary. And learning how to make peace with my mind is a daily job. Even if I get hijacked over and over again and have to do it all again. But hey, that's the job of being a human. So I hope sharing this with you might soothe your mind too and how you might be afraid of the void. 


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So quick recap... Who are the architects of the SM dungeon? First: past experiences. Either things we have experienced, or things we have heard directly from loved, and less loved, ones or from society. Or sometimes from ourselves borrowing the voices of our loved ones. And very often, voices from our little monitor, always having opinions about the goal, the effort we're making to get it, and the pace of the progress we're making. Second architect: a fierce protector. Either from getting hurt by others or by our own emotions we've been avoiding feeling and hiding. Maybe not the best way to protect you in the long run, but definitely protective. And third architect, the terror of the void. Because a head full of people saying mean things is always the less scary than a head full of void and space when you haven't met it. There you have it, my friends. Not so long ago, I would have said it's always a good idea to know your enemy. And yet, I've noticed hating myself wasn't making me happy and alive, so now I like to say, "Hey, here's another way to meet yourself." 


If you found this episode interesting and are ready to dive deeper, you can download my free ebook Essence, awaken your body to reclaim the pleasure to feel alive. The link is in the show notes. And you know what to do if you want to support the podcast. So thank you in advance for subscribing and rating it on your favorite podcast platform. Thank you for tuning in today and sharing your valuable time with me. And remember being alive is sexy. I'll see you next time.