25. To those of us wondering "What did I miss ?" and "Is life supposed to be just this ?"

Welcome to another episode. If you new here, welcome. And if you're not happy to see you again. And thank you all for sharing your valuable time with me. Today's episode is special. Because it's a love letter. Probably the first one of a series, because when you start writing a love letter you're like "I want to write another one. And another one". Or at least that's how I felt. This is for you, just for your ears, or the ears of a loved one who'd love to hear it too. And also, I'm French and that's my first English love letter. So let's be honest, it will be clumsy, but know that it comes from the heart. 


A love letter to people wondering " Is that all there is?" And where it went wrong. 





Beautiful being. 


I wanted to tell you whatever your life may look like at the moment, there's nothing wrong with you. You haven't done anything wrong. Even if you look at your life, and are wondering "Is that all there is?" Or "I did what I was told. I followed the rules and is this what I get?" Even if you don't understand yet, when things started to shift from bright and alive to gray and blur. There's nothing wrong with you. And no you're not ungrateful, chronically dissatisfied, unrealistic, or needy, if you want things to be different. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. 


I could tell you, we all have our life paths, that we are souls coming to earth for the human experience. But let's face it, it's an amazing advice that falls flat on its face when you're dealing with real life. 


When "do what brings you joy" makes you angry because you have no idea what it is. When the connection to your inner sparkle is so missing that you're not even sure you have a sparkle anymore. And deep down, you know, it's not a question of being depressed or suicidal. It's just that there's no joy of being alive. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. The joy is still there. It's just buried under a whole lot of conditioning, trauma, history, and bullshit. Because for some twisted reasons, growing up, becoming an adult, becomes killing the fun and becoming robots. Who would sign up for a life of constraints, and to-dos ? Nobody. And you're actually smart to feel it and want to do things differently. 


When you don't feel as happy as what you are, quote unquote, "supposed to be" because you, quote unquote, "have it all"... When you're not even sure of what you want, or that what you have is what you wanted. When you want to feel more, because the sleep walking half alive autopilot version of your life feels suffocating. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not ungrateful or too needy. You're allowed to want more. And to want to feel happy from the inside. Not just because you're on vacation or buying yourself something amazing. 


When you get angry or feel doomed because you have no idea of who you are. When your friendships feel false because you are always role-playing. Know that there's nothing wrong with you. We all need to come home to ourselves before connecting deeply with others. And let's face it, sometimes the way home can be bumpy. Some say peaks and valleys. I'd say abyss of despairs and Cloudnine of pleasure. Dramatic? No... never... 


when your body feels so numb, you don't even know what pleasure looks like. And "follow your pleasure" makes you angry or guilty? When you yearn for more intimate connections with your body or within your partnership -for one hour or for your life- there's nothing wrong with you. You were not told to listen to pleasure. If any case you were told to keep it under control or deny it because you were a grownup. You're not broken. Your pleasure is there. You just need to start really slow. 


When your self hate sometimes speaks so loud you can't hear your loved ones saying you're an amazing person. When self-acceptance feels like Klingon, or another really foreign language, you have no idea where to start, even if you know, that's the solution. There's nothing wrong with you. You're strong focus and ideas can help you. When you learn how to change the channel from self-hate to self-love. However foreign it may be at the moment. Because if self-hate worked, you would be truly happy already. Wouldn't you? 


When acknowledging you're doing something great terrifies you, just in case you would become a boastful narcissist, rotten to the core monster. There's nothing wrong with you. Only a true boastful narcissist rotten to the core monster wouldn't see it. So if you ask yourself, if you're not, you're not. And besides if feeling bad about yourself was a solution. You wouldn't have any problems. Would you? 


You didn't miss anything on the way. You were just not told what really matters. Have good grades. Don't be angry at people even if they deserve it, because you need to be polite, put things in perspective some people have more important problems than yours if you had to figure out how to put food on the table, you wouldn't ask yourself these questions. Or whatever bullshit your brain tells you on a regular basis. We're trained to fit in the mold. And you're right to want something else. More than being a good soldier, living a perfect life that feels blur and suffocating. THere's nothing wrong in wanting for more. And in fact. You're the one who's not broken. 


You are so strong. At seeing what's going on behind what's going on. Your smart brain is such a gem. And also, let's face it sometimes, such a pain when it starts running the train of thoughts in circle. You know, one that you already know from beginning to end with usually an unpleasant end full of misery, self hate and sadness. But this strength of yours, this analysis that you have, it's a treasure. Many people need way more time to understand the pattern behind what's going on. That's one of your superpowers. And more than hating it, training it and befriending it will help you in the long run. I know it may sound far away from home. But it's possible. I promise. 


Also, can we talk about how persistent you are? Your focus. Your dedication to understand, only what you want because let's face it some things are just BO-RING. And howeveny, if you're wondering where it went wrong, you're still here. You're still trying. Imagine how that energy will work when you will use it for you, instead of against you. Clearly less tiring. It takes so much energy to stop your light from shining. And I know that's why you're feeling. That's why you're here. 


You are allowed to want more. Bright colors more, love, more lightness, more joy. Belly laughs and waking up in the morning, excited with the day ahead. There's nothing wrong in wanting more than a life that feels "meh". To want to feel truly happy. Truly joyful. And yes, many people around us settle for medium because of X, Y, or Z reason. And that their choice. And it's okay if you want to do something differently. You are allowed to do so. 


You are lovable just as you are. The messy, imperfect, glorious, flesh sold blood alchemy that you are. Yes. Even if you have flaws... Wouldn't a perfect life be boring. A F. Yes. Even if you don't know what you're doing. Yes. Even if you think people have all their shit figured out already -hint, usually they don't. You are lovable. You deserve love. You deserve the joy.

You deserve the pleasure. You deserve a life that feels worth living. 


And when you look back, you will be like "you know what... I had one life and lived it. . I succeeded. I failed. But overall, I lived." And anyone telling you otherwise: " "life's tough, get a helmet", grow up. Is entitled to their opinion. And you can have yours. 


You are allowed to love yourself. Even more, you deserve to love yourself. Some days, a lot. And some days, way less. And that's okay. There's nothing selfish in loving yourself. There's nothing wrong if some days you love yourself and some you hate yourself. There's nothing arrogant and loving yourself. Hating yourself doesn't make the world a better place. Even better when you show others that you can love yourself, they may also consider loving themselves too. And that's what makes the world a better place? 


But most of all, I love you for questioning the status quo. Or wanting to do things differently. Either for your life or for the world. I love you for showing up again and again. Even when you don't feel like it. Even if you want to quit. Even if you're tired without knowing why. Thank you for not killing your willingness to shine. Thank you for not abandoning yourself. Thank you for showing up. I'm really happy You're here. Thank you for being you. 


With all my love. 


Fanny.