13. Release Self-hate : The Roots (part 2/2)

There is this eternal question of who came first between the egg and the hun. We could also play with who came first between self hate and body dissociation. Because self hate is unbearable for our nervous system : how can we actually hate the very thing that is keeping us alive? So we dissociate. And at the same time when we are stuck in dissociation without feeling anything, totally numb. Isn't self-hate a way to still feel something? But we hate ourselves, so we numb ourselves more and more, and the circle goes on and on and on and on. 


On a very simple level, as we discussed in previous episodes, dissociations come from incomplete stress cycles. Yes, I am a broken record. I'm sorry. Did you know, you need to listen to something seven times to integrate it? 


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I'm almost sure you know, that dissociation comes from incomplete stress cycle now. Go check episode nine, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, but for a nervous system with so many incomplete stress cycles, it's too much to bear. All of these tensions, these blockages just wanting to be released and taking all this space. 


Our nervous system has no choice than switching everything off. Well, there are a few steps in between like being extremely tired, feeling less and less emotions, or only feeling the emotions you want to get away from like anger, sadness, et cetera. And for most of us, we understand something is wrong, when we notice how little we feel inside, in terms of emotional intensity. And how we actually feel disconnected from our joy. Walking around only half of ourselves and wondering where is the other half? So we catch ourselves before going totally numb. And that's a great thing. The sooner, the better. 





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As we discussed in our previous episode, even if self-hate works in a vicious circle, it is also a coping mechanism, preventing us from being overwhelmed by everything we haven't acknowledged. All the anger from living in a patriarchal society, all this sadness from the lost opportunities, all the fears, because nothing is permanent and change is inevitable. And of course, this is a cliche and it sucks. 


For most of us, when we start our journey, all of those emotions feel too much .Because there is too much stock of them. You may love strawberries, but if you eat strawberries for every single meal for one month, you will end up hating strawberries. When we have been holding, and very often unconsciously all of those emotions, we start to hate them. 


Side note. Can we talk about actually how meta this is? Like our brain starts to hate something. It literally creates. Side note. Can we talk about how meta this is? Like our brains starting to hate something it literally creates, since emotions are just sensations given meaning by our brain. And for most of us, when we are not aware of that, about emotions being sensations just wanting to pass through and be released through movement, breath, and sound, we feel these emotions are us. And thus, since we hate these emotions, we hate ourselves. 


Let me say that again, because it can feel very meta for a second. Our brain creates emotions we don't like, and those emotions have been there for a long time, often unconsciously. So when we are not aware, we are more than our emotions, we hate the emotions we feel, so we think we hate ourselves. 


Need a second to digest that ? 


Side note here. If at the moment, what I'm talking about is totally meta and feels off, that's okay. If the idea of "I am not my emotions" isn't accessible. That's okay. You've heard it several times and you'll hear it several times, if you come back to this podcast. And maybe someday it will make sense and be integrated into your system. Or maybe not. Many people live a happy life, without having to feel that and integrate that, because they are living a life that feels great and fulfilling. And in my opinion, there is no such thing as the truth, because even what feels true deep inside in our bodies can also be shaped by our traumas stored inside. So, yeah, maybe one day after understanding it with your mind for some time, you will feel that you are more than your emotions or maybe not. And there is nothing wrong with that. And let's be real. It's easy to say in a very channeling voice and posture "you are more than your emotion". But when you have run your whole life with anger as a sidekick, it's normal to have no idea who you will be if she goes away. Hint, you will be a lot of things, but that's okay if that still feels scary as fuck. And second hint, it can be even better. This sassy part of me I like, and that I show on this podcast that has this zero bullshit tolerance actually started to emerge when I slowly let go of my anger. Because, you know, nothing really disappears and everything transform blabla. So this anger of mine changed and became sassiness. Sometimes I'm still wondering what will happen if I totally let go of my anger. Maybe I will become a floating angel, swimming in peace and consciousness. Or maybe not. So quick recap, the emotions are just sensations and sensations cannot wait to complete the stress cycle. So get up and dance, kick scream, laugh, and cry. You deserve it. 


So after self hate being a vicious circle, coming from our unaddressed and uncompleted stress cycle, we need to address one tiny thing. When we dissociate, the fear of what we are avoiding gets bigger and bigger. Raise your hand, if you're scared of being angry, because you feel the anger you have been accumulating forever will overflow and destroy everything around you. It's easier to pretend that what gets bigger and bigger doesn't exist or only deserves hate, than actually looking at it and noticing how big it is. 


Hint, it's usually really smaller than when you think it is. But the more you dissociate, the more, what you fear gets bigger. And the more you self hate, because it's some kind of way to keep things under some kind of control. Unhealthy, detrimental to you, and not working in the long run but some control. Just so we don't feel overflown by what we think is super big. 





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More than that. When we don't feel at home in our bodies from dissociation, we lack self-confidence. Some would argue we do not need to be at home in our bodies to feel self-confident. My question then, is, "is it true self-confiendece ?As in, I am confident and I radiate that confidence and I'm in the place fully incarnated and happy to be alive". Or it's just self-confidence because I'm strong. We'll discuss in an other episode, why it's a good thing to stop being strong and start being powerful, but you're of course allowed to disagree. But what I saw in myself and my coachees is how self hate only creates fake self-confidence, the one that wants to other step others more than radiating how amazing you are. 


I'm sure inside of you, there is a tiny voice that knows you are freaking powerful. Even if you think the opposite. Because you survived a lot of shit to be here and listen to this podcast. You survived your childhood and its mess. You live in a totally messed up patriarchal world that needs to be replaced, one brick after another. And also let's not forget how many possibilities there were for messing up before even being born. I remember this lesson in first year of med school, we had embryology . And we were learning all the possibilities for the pregnancy to end before even becoming a fetus and I looked at my best friend and said, "You know what? We're pretty lucky to be here". So we survived all of that. We also survived being babies without defense in a really unwelcoming world. Can you imagine floating in pure bliss in mum's uterus and then get thrown into life, cold and sounds. That's pretty powerful. You just being here alive is a freaking miracle itself. And you are so powerful just to have overcome all of that. So, yeah, you are powerful as fuck. 


When we disconnect from our bodies, when we dissociate, we cut ourselves from what is literally holding this power alive. No wonder we lack self-confidence. And no wonder we start to hate ourselves. Our system goes like, "Are you kidding me? I have so much power inside and you're not going to let me use it. Really?" 


After the vicious circle, the overwhelming unpleasant emotions, and the lack of self-confidence, there is one last root of self hate that I would like to address. And that's unintegrated parts of ourselves. Our inner children. Our inner teenagers. When we haven't worked with them, they may be still convinced they are not lovable they won't be loved if they misbehave or they have to be quiet and smile to be loved. If, deep down there is still a part of you that is convinced it's not lovable, of course you will hate yourself. . Or at least a part of you will, or you will hate a part of yourself. How many of us hate our bellies because we've been told as children or teenagers "don't take another serve, you'll get fat". So if I'm taking another serve, I'm not lovable?" I'm not sure we can be totally integrated in a lifetime, that's another story. But what I do know is, having truly unintegrated parts of ourselves is one of the recipes for lack of self-love. For self hate. 


There, you have it my friends, the many roots of self hate, and I'm sure there are others. The combo of personal history and societal bullshit, always wanting to be someone else or worse, something else. The lack of pleasure from our conditioning from the lack of practice and how we actually forget, we are designed to experience pleasure. And then the lack of embodiment and dissociation. How this vicious circle is a coping mechanism from overwhelming emotions created by a lack of self-confidence and unintegrated parts of ourselves. 


I think I really need to draw a mind map of all of this. But the most important thing is: what happens when you release self hate? A lot of things, but you also start to feel whole. At home. In your body inside yourself. Actually feeling something again, a hundred percent. And yes, even if you deal with it, there will be moments where the self hate will come back and that's okay. Because you know what it is from last episode. You know the roots from this episode and you will know what to do with it. Thank you so much for tuning in today and I'll see you next time.